"What is, is actual - what might be simply is not, and I must not therefore query God as though he robbed me - of things that are not. Further, the things that are belong to us, and they are good, God given, and enriched. Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living. It is true that our youth is fast fleeting, and I know the rush of wants, the perfect fury of desire which such a thought summons. All that it involves - getting on to thirty - brings a push of hurry and a surge of possible regrets over the soul....this is just exactly what we have bargained for. Obedience involves for us, not physical suffering, perhaps, not social ostracism as it has for some, but this warring with worries and regrets, this bringing into captivity our thoughts. We have planted (in our integrity) the banner of our trust in God. The consequences are His responsibility." A letter on February 7, 1952 from Jim Elliot to Elisabeth in "Passion and Purity" pp. 160-161

"The growth of all living green things wonderfully represents the process of receiving and relinquishing, gaining and losing, living and dying. The seed falls into the ground, dies as the new shoot springs up. There must be a splitting and breaking in order for a bud to form. The calyx lets go of the flower. The petals must curl up and die in order for the fruit to form. The fruit falls, splits, relinquishes the seed. The seed falls into the ground....There is no ongoing spiritual life without this process of letting go. At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops. If we hold tightly to anything given to us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul. It is easy to make a mistake here. 'If God gave it to me,' we say, 'it's mine. I can do what I want with it.' No. The truth is it is ours to thank Him for and ours to offer back to Him, ours to relinquish, ours to lose, ours to let go of - if we want to find our true selves, if we want real Life, if our hearts are set on glory. Think of the self that God has given as an acorn. It is a marvelous little thing, a perfect shape, perfectly designed for its purpose, perfectly functional. Think of the grand glory of an oak tree. God's intention when He made the acorn was the oak tree. His intention for us is '...the measure of the statue of the fulness of Christ.' Many deaths must go into reaching that measure, many letting-goes. When you look at the oak tree you do not feel the 'loss' of the acorn is a very great loss. The more you perceive God's purpose in your life, the less terrible the losses seem." Elisabeth Elliot, pp. 163-164

If Life Was Ideal

Went through some old writings tonight. This writing I found is post-worthy...and fitting for this long-abandoned blog.


(May 18, 2013)

If life was ideal,
We wouldn’t carry the wounds of our fathers
The hurts of our mothers

We would be able to choose
What fades, What stays
We’d place ourselves where we’d like to start
And believe we could pick up where we’d left off without the stains of the past
Sticking so close

Darling, we’d know what to pick
and when
Our hearts our open enough
Or refuse when our hearts were incomplete and broken, or full

In an idea world,
We wouldn’t hurt the ones we love most
Or push away the ones we yearn to be most nearest

We’d be in tune with the state of our beings
And act out just that
We’d be aware of the experiences we are creating for others,
Always

We’d all be able to leave our own bodies
But just for a second
To enter in the pain of another’s
To feel, to fight, to lift, to understand

To love

Our words would have the right timing
Our words would heal and bind up,
Only

In an ideal world,
Actions wouldn’t carry the weight of that
one time
that broke us and is still breaking us


In an ideal world,
We could leave our pasts behind without effort, without hurt
Without labor

Rest

Few men know how to live. We grow up at random, carrying into mature life the merely animal methods and motives which we had as little children. And it does not occur to us that all this must be changed; that much of it must be reversed; that life is the finest of the Fine Arts; that it has to be learned with lifelong patience, and that the years of our pilgrimage are all too short to master it triumphantly. Yet this is what Christianity is for--to teach men the Art of Life. And its whole curriculum lies in one word--"Learn of Me." Unlike most education, this is almost purely personal; it is not to be had from books or lectures or creeds or doctrines. it is a study from the life. Christ never said much in mere words about the Christian Graces. He lived them, He was them. Yet we do not merely copy Him. We learn His art by living with Him, like the old apprentices with their masters. Now we understand it all? Christ's invitation to the wary and heavy-laden is a call to begin life over again upon a new principle--upon His own principle. "What My way of doing things," He says. "Follow Me." Take life as I take it. Be meek and lowly and you will find Rest...

It is only when we see what it was in Him that we can know what the word Rest means. It lies not in emotions, nor in the absence of emotions. It is not a hallowed feeling that comes over us in church. It is not something that the preacher has in his voice. It is not in nature, or in poetry, or in music--though in all these there is soothing. It is the mind at leisure from itself. It is the perfect poise of the inward man to the stress of all outward things; the preparedness against every emergency; the stability of assured convictions; the eternal calm of an invulnerable faith; the repose of a heart set deep in God. It is the mood of the man who says, with Browning, 'God's in His Heaven, all's well with the world.' "

-Henry Drummond

Currently Reading the Free E-Book of the Addresses of Henry Drummond.

You can find it HERE.

The Sum of 2011

I wrote this in response to a letter my friend wrote me. I reflected on it today and was like wow, that is definitely the summation of the last year; 2012, I am walking in the knowledge of the below. I remember sitting on the couch and reading the letter my friend had written me, I cried and in response to God's moving, etched the below:


There is power in the pain
The more tears, the more water for growth,
Intentional nurture for fertilizer
With patience, the unseen underground growth,
One day will burst forth and stand forth.
Commended and recognized to the Father alone, bearing much fruit.
If it takes brokenness to get one to the knees for extended periods of time,
To wait, contend for, ask and cry for, then let that passion come.
If it takes confusion, screaming voices and opinions
To learn one’s own voice
And trust in the Spirit counsel first and foremost, not worldly wisdom dressed as good
Counsel, then let it be.
If it takes being in a room with crooks for one to develop discernment, let it be.
If it takes many battered hearts for one to finally grasp ones heart’s worth, then let it be.
If it takes one standing alone, to realize the potential, the instilled presence of God,
The tremendous purpose and capacity and trust in God’s power;
That one needs no body to lay with, one needs no body to stand by,
Then let it be.
If it takes fear, for fear to be realized and faced, then let it be.
The Spirit’s relentless ache signifies the substance of the things unseen.
A jewel, kept pure, being cleansed time and time again
From harshness of hands of thieves desiring to hold and steal it,
Will gleam, sparkle, and bring light to many,
Will be a treasure to behold.

4 days ago, the Holy Spirit brought this passage to my attention: Ezekiel 36:

25"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. 28 Then you will live in the land I gave your ancestors; you will be my people, and I will be your God..."

May God give us new hearts and move us to follow His direction by softening our hearts and implanting his truth daily. Let it be so, Amen. I love you so much!

“One cannot prove anything here, but it is possible to be convinced.' How? By what?' By the experience of active love. Try to love your neighbors actively and tirelessly. The more you succeed in loving, the more you'll be convinced of the existence of God and the immortality of your soul. And if you reach complete selflessness in the love of your neighbor, then undoubtedly you will believe, and no doubt will even be able to enter your soul. This has been tested. It is certain... Active love is a harsh and fearful thing compared with love in dreams. Love in dreams thirsts for immediate action, quickly performed, and with everyone watching. Indeed, it will go as far as the giving even of one's life, provided it does not take long but is soon over, as on stage, and everyone is looking on and praising. Whereas active love is labor and perseverance, and for some people, perhaps, a whole science...in that very moment when you see with horror that despite all your efforts, you not only have not come nearer your goal but seem to have gotten farther from it, at that very moment...you will suddenly reach your goal and will clearly behold over you the wonder-working power of the Lord, who all the while has been loving you, and all the while has been mysteriously guiding you.” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov Love changes things. Really....I love this writing, it is like so many conversations I've had in the past year.

Christianity as a Crutch

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Back in 1978 I spoke in Aspen, Colorado, to a gathering of Inter-Varsity students and people off the street. At the end of my talk one of the students asked a very common question. He said, "Isn't Christianity a crutch for people who can't make it on their own?"

My answer was very simple. I said, "Yes." Period.

What's Bad About a Crutch?

I can't remember how the conversation went from there. So let me just pick it up here. My return question would be, "Why is the thought that Christianity is a crutch considered to be a valid criticism of Christianity?" People don't usually look at a crutch and say, "That's bad. It's just a crutch." People don't in general think that crutches are bad things. Why does a crutch become a bad thing when it's Christianity?

I think the answer that most critics would give is this: if Christianity is a crutch, then it's only good for cripples. But we don't like to see ourselves as cripples. And so it is offensive to our self-sufficiency to label Christianity as a crutch.

But Jesus said, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick; I came not to call the righteous, but sinners" (Mark 2:17). In other words, the only people who will ever come to get what Jesus has to give are sick people, people who know that they are spiritually and morally and very often physically crippled.

Everybody Has a Creed

Everybody has a creed. All people believe in something and shape their lives around it. Even agnostics believe very strongly that you ought not believe anything very strongly (which is why it is so hard to be a consistent agnostic). We all have a creed that we live by, whether we can articulate it or not.

What is the creed behind the conviction that if Christianity is a crutch, it is undesirable and unworthy of acceptance? I think the answer is this: the creed behind this criticism of Christianity is the confidence that we are not cripples, and that real joy and fulfillment in life are to be found in the pursuit of self-reliance, self-confidence, self-determination, and self-esteem.

Any Messiah who comes along and proposes to replace self-reliance with childlike God-reliance, and self-confidence with submissive God-confidence, and self-determination with sovereign grace, and self-esteem with magnificent mercy for the unworthy—that Messiah is going to be a threat to the religion of self-admiration. That religion has dominated the world ever since Adam and Eve fell in love with the image of their own independent potential when they it saw reflected back to them in the eye of the serpent: "You will not die; you will be like God."

The Creed of Self-Reliance

Ralph Waldo Emerson, an American poet and philosopher who died about 100 years ago, wrote a famous essay called "Self-Reliance." It captured the spirit of the age, and the spirit of our age.

Trust thyself, every heart vibrates to that iron string. Discontent is the want of self-reliance. It is infirmity of will.

Ah-ha! Now we see the creed behind the criticism of Christianity as a crutch. The real infirmity of the world, according to Emerson, is lack of self-reliance. And so, to his dismay, along comes Christ, not with a cure for the disease, but a crutch! Christ is a stumbling block and an offense to Emerson and to all the Terry Cole-Whittaker's of our day—yes, and even to us—because it takes the disease that we hate most, namely, helplessness, and instead of curing it, makes it the doorway to heaven. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Thank you, John Piper

It feels so good to journal again. Journaling > blogging by far. I don't even have the chance to blog that much anymore...ha. Now that school is over, I can dive into design and writing again. I'm super excited. I got a new journal today because I realize that I forget so many of the things God whispers to me...jogging, driving, working, observing...literally all day. It's like non-stop wisdom :] (trust me, my mind is always thinking!) I just need to write it down again, like I used to.I have looked back upon my life and the things I've written down even as a very very young girl, have helped me immensely grow as a person. Wisdom is transcendent like that. ;) The trick is remembering what you've walked through and learned! So I write not only to remember, but I write to dwell and soak in. Hopefully, this will be the journey to doing all of that again. Cheers to learning & holding on to. Cheers to remembering and intention.

Satisfy me not with the lesser of You Find me no solace in shadows of the true No ordinary measure of extraordinary means The depth, the length, and breadth of You and nothing in between. Etch these words upon my heart knowing all the while No ordinary roadblocks plague extraordinary miles Your power as my portion, Your glory as my fare Take me to extremities, but meet me fully there. _Beth Moore

Snapshots

"I love using my tiny digital camera. But the larger and more com- plex a subject, the more nearly impossible it is to represent it well and completely. No single photograph can show someone how magnificent the Grand Canyon is. It’s true that my shortcomings as a photographer do nothing to change the majesty of that natural wonder. Still, some snapshots do give a better idea than others of the grandeur. I want to take that clearer kind of picture of the Grand Canyon. And that’s the kind of image of Jesus I want our marriage to portray." -Noel Piper

On Holiness

I'm beginning to realize that God has always had this standard of holiness that he has instructed and given to His people.

I'm beginning to realize that one has to FIGHT for one's holiness, to be sober minded, to know where one stands, to know what the Word of God says, and to not step even one step beside it.

I want to be that woman, unblemished, surrendered wholly to the will and pleasure of my Father in heaven.

I'm beginning to pray that I will see myself as I actually am, and not elevated or blind to my own weaknesses. Not seeing myself only in glowing terms, ignoring my negative qualities. I see people who capitalize upon their strengths and somehow they think that it balances out their weaknesses or cancels them out, and so they stay "stained" in those areas of their lives. They let the light of their strengths blind them to the darkness of their own weaknesses.

I have, in the past, seen myself in glowing terms, unintentionally, so with this realization of self-deception, I've been pressing in more, seeking and ask harder, deeper questions. I need to strive to be whole, complete, mature, not lacking anything. So I keep asking God, show me more blind-spots…Am I too idealistic? Am I only seeking the non-reality? Am I not content? Am I holy? Am I am loving others only because I want them to love/like me? Do I want to be holy? Am I selfish in ways I cannot see? The things I have begun to discern in others, I have been asking in myself.

Being holy does not mean being ridiculously weird, unapproachable, uninformed or unaware of the culture you live in. It simply is having a standard and knowing and living with that standard before yourself. It means making God's standard--your standard. It means believing and trusting in, and therefore living within, the guidelines God has set.

Therefore, it means boundaries, it means saying no. It means grasping for the things above. It means staying __UN-calloused__ by the depravity of what is around you.

The beauty of it too, and the way Jesus walked, is that he was able to walk in holiness no matter where he went, in any situation he encountered. He was able to be aware the people, the current culture. He knew how to talk to sinners, a broken woman at the well, the teachers of the law, etc. Holiness, if you note, did not mean pushing his beliefs or himself on others either. He wasn't trying to fit in an evangelistic word in every conversation he had. Holiness was his BEING. He didn't try to stick out, and yet he did, because he was holy, biblical-holy, standard holy, set apart for his Father's will-focused, like a man on a mission. He didn't need to affirm his uniqueness by wearing, "I am Jesus Christ" T-shirts. He lived differently AMONGEST all of them, and they asked, they probed, they saw…..And they WANTED.

Anytime you are truly living for the will of your father, you are automatically different. You are automatically rare. Don't strive to be different. Just be.

Also, if you stand for something long enough, people are just gonna stop asking you to go to the bars with them if ya know what i mean. Instead, you'll be the person they call when they go through a crisis. Hello, light.

Holiness does not = a method, either. Holiness does not equate to methodology. I see so many Christian subcultures preaching/placing their all on one method to going about something. They say it is the holy way, the God way, the way Jesus would have you do whatever it is in your life, but that simply is not true. Classic example: "OUR church is biblical" (Translation: YOURS is not) (Translation 2: we trump you). I'm not sure when we began to preach this one size fits all method, because if you look throughout history/culture....methods have changed immensely and they change ALL the time. The methods some Americans place the weight their life upon (method-idolatry) would not work in Africa, or perhaps even in the slums 20 miles away from them. The biblical principles and holiness the bible teaches is transcendent through history, time and place. A method may be one good way, but it isn't THE way or the ONLY way.

With Christ there is Holiness and Freedom all at the same time, now that is the mystery and beauty. As long as you stay biblically sound, you have the freedom to approach any situation/career/relationship/problem/goal/aspiration...AND get this: ministry--the way you feel is best/God calling you, being mindful of your brothers and sisters and the ones you are serving as well (which goes back to being biblical). Now that is diversity and unity holding hands...(a God-trend all around if you ask me), more mystery and beauty.

And I Imagine

And I imagine us
changing the world
not from what we do but the persons
we are

the cup of coffee gets cold and i pour you 'nother
kiss your sweet face
cream and sugar

And I imagine seeing your face
on the other side of the world
countin' the wrinkles
1, 2, 7, 12,
endless moments
whisperin' thank you God

And ours are the kids
with the sombrero's
who could care less of what the others think
cus we taught them to laugh
and to know and to be

In our sphere are the skeptics
the intellectuals,
the elitists with the hard hearts
brought into light

And we may have a little
some days, we have a lot
but ours is the depth
few find
and our hearts know
enough

And every night we'd dive
dive into the infinite
you pull me deeper
I pull you in

And when I look at you
you make me wonder
you make me ask
you make me want
you make me spin
and I know
that I know
that I don't know
everything

because
you are mine.

Pendulum

The pendulum swings to the left
To the right
And for a moment in time
It strikes

The perfect balance
In center
Reveling Equilibrium

A moment in cycle
Steady symmetry

It’s you
It’s me
Gravity determinded
What others only see

For
Seconds
Of time
Displacement fought
Masked in every direction
See through their reflections

Yet pivot’s restored
The force
Our gravity
The Glory and trifle
A weight of love

Swung on a string
Back and forth
Back and forth
Back
And
Forth

Will we learn?

Shorten the string
Heighten the weight
Of passion
I’m so tired of
Suspension

Let friction bring
Back to center
I long for rest
In position

10.27.11

Never the Same

When you have spent time in the presence of God, there should be a different demeanor about you.

So different that when you let people into the depths of who you are, they are changed.

The Holy Spirit is in the business of changing.

Be confident enough in God to walk out what he has ordained for you and only you.

Be secure enough to let people into the depths of who you are.

When we are more and more like Jesus, people should not walk away the same after meeting us,
yet not in any way because of US, yet the BRIGHT LIGHT, the sparkle and display of God's
glory that even Moses had to cover his face when speaking with others.

May we spend so much time in the presence of our Father that we glimmer and shine.
Those who look to Him are radiant. Psalm 34:5

May God's glory be so heavy on us that it inspires others to seek God more deeply,
(the presence of God inspires)
to repent,
to ask harder questions,
to desire and seek after the joy and peace that He has offered to us.

May we always point to our Savior.

And may we be such bold light insomuch that we evade the darkness.

Bixby Canyon Bridge

I descended a dusty gravel ridge
Beneath the Bixby Canyon Bridge
Until I eventually arrived
At the place where your soul had died

Barefoot in the shallow creek
I grab some stones from underneath
And waited for you to speak to me

In the silence it became so very clear
That you had long ago disappeared
And I cursed myself for being surprised
That this didn't play like it did in my mind

All the way from San Francisco
As I chased the end of your rope
'Cause I've still got miles to go

And I want to know my fate
If I keep up this way
And it's hard to want to stay
Awake

When everyone you meet
They all seem to be asleep
And you wonder if you're missing your dream
You can't see your dream
You can't see your dream
You just can't see your dream

A dream

And then it started getting dark
And I trudged back to where the car was parked
No closer to any kind of truth
As I must assume was the case with you

_DCFC


This song is art.

My Wish for You

I tell all my guy friends:

Find a girl who is beautiful not only on the outside, but more importantly on the inside. Find a girl who is deep. Find a girl who has taken time to develop who she is. Find a girl who has an understanding of how big God is.



Find a girl who will offer to get up and get you a glass of water while you stay, or turn off the lights (but don't let her, or go with her).

Find a girl who will love you in every dimension of life.



& The only way you will get a girl like that is, if you are all these things to her.

This kind of girl realizes who she is. She won't let herself be easily snatched.

When you find her, cherish her, hang on to her, make her yours,

because she is rare.

Free Spirit?

"It refers to a human being who feels unconstrained by convention; rather, the spirit of liberty is paramount to that person."

"Free spirits are inclined to explore life and taste new experiences that hold true to the deepest parts of themselves vs. being influenced by what the masses around them are doing. They are often people who think freely and have the courage to hear their own voice and follow their own integrity."


Funny how other people see things in you before you realize it yourself.


Here's to rediscovering.

To Love;

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

- C.S. Lewis

You Are a Tourist

And if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born
Then it's time to go
And define your destination
There's so many different places to call home
Because when you find yourself the villain in the story you have written
It's plain to see
That sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemptions
Would you agree?
If so please show me

This fire grows higher
When there's a burning in your heart

_Chris Walla, DCFC

The Heart

"Life is a journey of the heart that requires the mind—not the other way around. The church sometimes gets this backward and makes knowing the right things the center of life. It's not;
the heart is the center of life. Desire is always where the action is.
The key is to bring the TRUTH into our hearts to guard and guide our desire."

_Eldredge, The Journey of Desire



I was reminded and amazed when I reread what God says in Ezekiel 36:

25"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols.
26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you;
I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.
28 Then you will live in the land I gave your ancestors; you will be my people, and I will be your God..."

God is giving them a new heart and moving them
to follow his decrees by
a softened heart AND implanted truth. WOW.




God is seeking worshipers who worship in spirit and in truth.

"The informed mind through the revealed Word of God and the Spirit's presence in our lives
inflames the heart,
and the heart creates the energy for the growing mind."

_Matt Chandler, Gospel Centered Worship, Village Identity Part 4
(current favorite sermon)

God is seeking worshipers with informed minds and inflamed hearts.




What is your heart set on? Your mind may be set on doing God's will but your heart may be desiring and longing for completely different things. I was convicted of this recently.


The heart is kind of a big deal. It truly guides ones life more than one realizes.
For example, one can believe that jealousy is wrong intellectually and tell oneself not to be jealous, but the moment ones coworker is granted a promotion, which leads?--ones mind (that believes jealousy is wrong and tells itself not to be jealous) or ones heart?

Your heart for sure. All things harbored in the heart are revealed .

It is a man's heart that reflects the man, not his mind.




Have the right thing in your mind intellectually,
and in your heart affectionately. _Chambers


Let us
"Love the Lord our God with all our heart and with all our soul and with all our mind." _Matthew 22:37

There Will Come a Time

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

Mumford & Sons, After the Storm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3RP1VbUaaA