Reminiscent

Here's a piece of my mind. what's been swirling around in my head for the last 3 months.


4/8/10



You learn to sit in class
And not hear a word the professor’s sayin
You learn to get where you need to get running late
Going 90 with 2 minutes to spare
You learn that people lie to get what they want
And that their inconsistencies may affect you
But it can never change your consistency,
And that memories
Don’t’ fade with time
Risk is a weight of
a prize
And that an answer to one question
Only leads to another
And you can walk upright in heels
Even when the wind is crazy
But your time management through 4 years of college
Never gets any better
And you wonder whether the school work really isn’t challenging
Or you’ve become sharper
And that three pairs of shoes may be changed
In one day to fit the current role
And that there is such thing
As too much caffeine
That there’s no distance far enough
That you shouldn’t go
For a mere assurance of reality
That you are where you are
Where you’re supposed to be
Doing what you were meant to do
You learn to be all there
And that you may have to prepare yourself
For the letdowns of other people
And that goodbyes never get any easier
The older you get
They only come all the more often
But they never teach you how to hold in
Your tears
And you question whether it’s a good or bad thing
That you don’t know how to fake it
That every one reaches a breaking point
And 2 hours of sleep really is not enough
For 20 hour days
And that unhappiness is written all
Over their faces
When they’ve got every distraction in the world to bother
And that two people can want the exact same thing
And still not get it
And that when the recipe calls for one teaspoon,
One and a half can mess it all up for good
And that some people go on seeking
What they really don’t even want
Because they don’t see otherwise
And that some friendships are forever
And some friendships can end immediately
Without warning
Betrayal comes unexpectedly
Like death, you can only prolong
An inevitable for so long
And that the older you get
The more songs you know
The more songs you hear
The more they remind you
Of that one block of time
You’d rather forget
And that time is nothing
If it’s spent waiting for the right thing
Rather time crying over
The wrong thing
And that one thought can be the seed
To shared dreams
That would change the world around you
And that life is meant to be shared
And wisdom
Meant to be spoken
and when some people say forever
they really mean for the time being
for as long as things stay the same
but life changes
and forever becomes
forever encased in that moment
and that you’d rather live looking
like a fool
than live wondering what if
and that no matter how much you wish
the rain to not come
it comes
and when you've surrendered everything,
surrender what's left
and that the best things
are the unexpected things
and no matter how rough the world gets
you can’t let it steal your gentleness
and you’d be one in a million for it.
And that it pays to flesh out your hurting heart
Because it makes your love cavernous
The way it is made to be
and that living intentionally is way better
than living lost without a direction and
And the road of intentionality is a road
Filled with, despite what others may think,
Adventure
Because in purpose, desire, and faith
There is still conviction, conflict, and uncertainty

Six jars

A lot has been happening lately, and maybe this weekend I will be able to sort our what's been churning in my heart, my mind, maybe.

This semester has been really different for me. I have been having to do everything in a way that keeps an eye to what is ahead. I have been having to do homework days or weeks in advance because I'll realize I won't have more than 3 hours of free time or so from that day till deadline. (crazy)
Ironically when I think about it, this is exactly what God is teaching me right now--do everything with a vision for what's ahead, whether that be what's ahead for your purpose here on earth, or the vision of eternal matters (setting your heart on what's truly important).

Everything has been happening so fast and things/opportunities have been dropping in my lap, but I have to weigh out what is right and what is for me. What is God's will? This usually isn't too difficult for me to decifer, but at this point in my life I have to plan for what may be in a year to come. This is where the difficulty comes in. I don't have a clue! One perspective importantly is that I cannot take my commitments lightly, bringing others into undeserved trouble (a principle that I've lived to learn).


It's crazy because what I know and can say is that I long for uncertainty, and that for many reasons.

I believe the familiar can easily hold one back.
I think that the most beautiful life-changing things are usually deposited in your life when and where you least expect it. (The surprise is that much more extravagant).

And I think that one of the biggest regrets is the regret of "what if?".

"Life is about minimizing regret." this has been the resounding theme of my life for the last year. I have stepped out of my comfort zone in many ways in regards to what God has told me to do. There have been times when I've wanted to ignore what he was telling me, but I couldn't.

I knew if i didn't take a leap into whatever unknown thing he was pushing me towards, I would have experienced a more weighty regret.


Earlier last week, I was talking to one of my neighbors. He proceeded to tell me that he was moving away and that I could have anything in his apartment. Long story short, I received a beautiful couch, dining table, and a large tv for free....


along with 6 jars.


This is a little crazy but I've been thinking about savings for awhile (too long) haha. But more seriously in recent I've prayed about savings and ideas for how a girl like me could possibly find a way to save. Yeah, I'm just not the "write everything down" budget type who can excel-sheet all my money into categories. I don't know, something about that to me screams limits in unnecessary unmeaning ways. So I told myself that I was going to buy jars and label them--future mission trip, future vacation, grad school, etc.. and just deposit money in them without keeping track of how much so that I could surprise myself later. This may be a little old-fashioned, but it works for someone like me. I've looked for jars in the stores but they are surprisingly expensive (and I'm unnecessarily picky), so at that point I was not able to get them .




And there 6 jars were, sitting unreservingly on my neighbor's counter, just like the ones I wanted.

all I have
all I have
all I have
well,
You know it's Yours
every breath,
every step,
every moment,
I'm looking for,
all I have
all I have
all I have
You know is
Yours
And you watch my heart
break
a little bit more
My heart break
a little bit more
a little bit more


-Mat Kearney, All I have

1/14/10

I’m the kind of girl who would write her name all over it, match the colors to the ones I like, start drawing a curving line without knowing how many curves I will rashly make of it and where I would eventually end it. It’s more exciting and unpredictable that way, I think. And if it ends up being an ugly curve, I’m not the kind of girl who would throw it all away—I would only perfect it.


Then I would call it mine.


I am strangely dissatisfied when I cannot put roots into something.



There’s a different light to me right now (many have mentioned it).
Something of a more quiet somber,

but I am not worried, neither am I unhappy. I am content in a most different manner.
Yet with all that I am,
I am waiting on God.

I am waiting so much for him to tell me where to dig, where to invest, where to put my energies and passions toward. I am zealous.

I am bent on giving and creating. I am waiting for him to tell me where to give.
Where to create. Where to invent these visions.





Speak to me God.


It isn’t a dissatisfaction, but a longing.
It’s like I’m standing still and the world is spinning around me. I can’t hold on to anything or be in one place for too long because it’s all temporary. And in all the madness, in all the changeable sights and scenes, I’m just waiting to see something beyond physical sight. I am waiting to see this sparkle that will incite an explosion in my mind.

And I’m waiting to hear a voice that speaks quieter yet out-speaks the others.



I am anticipating a finish.




I’ve never been afraid to go after what I want.
The challenge is, God….what should I want?

let go

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven...

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend...

Ecclesiastes 3:3-7





"So piece together these little mysteries,
it isn't hard to see the writing on the wall.
Triump and tragedy, only God can be
both the builder and the wrecking ball."

-Jill Phillips, Wrecking Ball

And when you hold me, I start unfolding

The death of you brought the life of me, so I can only pray that the death of me will bring the life of You.





"Somewhere in the recesses of your mind, there should be an inner knowing that directs you toward an expected end." -T.D Jakes.

Chances

Chances are when said and done
Who'll be the lucky ones
Who make it all the way?
Though you say I could be your answer
Nothing lasts forever
No matter how it feels today

Chances are we´ll find a new equation
Chances roll away from me
Chances are all they hope to be

Don't get me wrong I'd never say never
Cause though love can change the weather
No act of God can pull me away from you

I´m just a realistic man
A bottle filled with shells and sand
Afraid to love beyond what I can lose when it comes to you
And though I see us through yeah

Chances are we´ll find two destinations
Chances roll away from me
Still chances are more than expectations
The possibilities
Over me
Eight to five, two to one
Lay your money on the sun
until you crash what have you done?
Is there a better bet than love?
What you are is what you breathe
You gotta cry before you sing

Chances chances

Chances lost are hopes torn up pages
Maybe this time
Chances are we´ll be the combination
Chances come and carry me
Chances are waiting to be taken
And I can see
Chances are the fascination
Chances won't escape from me
Chances are only what we make them
And all I need


-Five for Fighting.